The Day My Landlord Explained Nebenkosten and I Pretended to Understand
The Day My Landlord Explained Nebenkosten and I Pretended to Understand
Date: 30 November 2025
Place: Berlin
By Konnektoren
There are many terrifying things in Germany:
opening letters from the Bürgeramt
understanding Deutsche Bahn announcements
buying furniture with complicated names
using a Pfand machine
But the scariest thing of all?
Nebenkosten.
And this is the story of how my landlord explained them to me…
and I nodded like an intelligent human while understanding absolutely NOTHING.
It started so innocently.
My landlord invited me to his office because “Wir müssen die Nebenkosten besprechen.”
(We need to discuss the utility costs.)
I thought:
“Oh cool, he’ll tell me how much I pay for electricity and water. Easy.”
HAHAHAHA.
Spoiler: NOTHING was easy.
He took out a 6-page document. SIX.
He opened a giant folder like he was about to read me the Dead Sea Scrolls.
There were charts.
Tables.
Numbers.
German words longer than my future.
He said:
“Also, hier sehen Sie die Aufschlüsselung der umlagefähigen Nebenkosten.”
My brain reacted like:
404 ERROR – INFORMATION NOT FOUND
**He started explaining line by line.
I started dying inside line by line.**
He said stuff like:
“Hausreinigung” (house cleaning)
“Wartung der Heizungsanlage” (heating maintenance)
“Gebäudebrandversicherung” (building fire insurance)
“Grundsteuer” (property tax)
“Schornsteinfeger” (chimney sweeper… WHY do I pay for this in 2025??)
I nodded after every word, pretending to understand.
Inside my head:
“Why am I paying for a chimney? I don’t even HAVE a chimney. I don’t even know where the chimney IS.”
Then came the REAL confusion: Heizkosten.
He explained something about:
“Vorauszahlung” (prepayment)
“Verbrauch” (consumption)
“Abrechnung” (annual billing)
“Nachzahlung” (extra payment if you used too much)
“Rückerstattung” (refund if you used less)
I nodded.
I pretended to follow.
I did NOT follow.
He said:
“Verbrauchen Sie viel?” (Do you consume a lot?)
Me:
“Äh… yes? No? Maybe? What do humans normally consume?”
**Then he asked if I had questions.
I lied.**
Of course I had questions.
I had 27 questions.
Some examples:
Why is trash €18 per month?
What is a “Betriebskostenverordnung”???
Why does my water cost more than my soul?
Who is cleaning the hallway for €120?? Beyoncé??
WHY DO I PAY FOR A CHIMNEY I’VE NEVER SEEN??
But instead of asking, I said:
“Alles klar, danke.”
(“All clear, thank you.”)
The lie still haunts me.
I left the office feeling like I had survived a German language exam.
My brain was tired.
My soul was tired.
My understanding: 0%
I went home, sat on my couch, and thought:
“I should Google what Nebenkosten actually means.”
And that’s how adulthood works in Germany.
If you want to avoid language mistakes (at least in the paperwork section of life), you can learn with:
👉 https://konnektoren.help/
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